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Memorable Monologue: Advancements in Television

Memorable Monologue: Advancements in Television


– SO LAST NIGHT,
I WAS WATCHING TV. IT WASN’T TURNED ON.
I WAS JUST STARING AT IT. ‘CAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW
TVs HAVE CHANGED SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
CAN RELATE TO THIS, BUT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, THE TV, WHEN YOU WERE
WATCHING IT, WOULD GET FUZZY. THERE WAS ALL THE FUZZINESS
AND THE SNOW THINGS AND THEN THE HORIZONTAL LINES
THAT WOULD CREEP UP, AND YOU’D HAVE TO TURN
THE KNOBS. THEY’D HAVE A VERTICAL
AND A HORIZONTAL KNOB TO ADJUST IT TO KEEP
THE PICTURE STILL. AND YOU HAD TO ACTUALLY GET UP
TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. AND YOU KNOW HOW KIDS GET CRAZY
WHEN YOU HAVE TO WAIT TEN– LIKE, SIX SECONDS OR TEN SECONDS
FOR THE YOUTUBE BUFFER? YOU CAN IMAGINE
THE PATIENCE THAT WE HAD. I SPENT MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD
HOLDING A CLOSE HANGER IN PLACE SO MAMA COULD WATCH
“THE FLYING NUN” OR WHATEVER SHE WAS WATCHING. I’D JUST GET GLIMPSES OF IT,
LIKE, TURNING LIKE THAT JUST TO WATCH THE SHOW
UPSIDE DOWN. SO I THOUGHT SHE WAS ALWAYS
HANGING UPSIDE DOWN, THE FLYING NUN. TVs USED TO BE ENORMOUS PIECES
OF FURNITURE TOO. THE TV WAS IN A CABINET. IT WAS IN A GIANT,
GIANT CABINET. AND IF IT BROKE,
YOU’D GET A NEW ONE AND JUST PUT IT RIGHT ON TOP
OF THAT CABINET. [laughter] YOU WOULDN’T GET RID OF THAT.
THAT WOULD BE THE STAND. YOU KNOW? THAT WAS SORT OF THE BEGINNING
OF THE HOARDING MOVEMENT, I BELIEVE, TO KEEP…
[laughs] AND TVs WERE BIG AND HEAVY, AND NOW THEY’RE VERY THIN. THEY’RE TINY LITTLE THING. TRUE STORY: YESTERDAY, I
ACCIDENTALLY THREW OUT A TV IN A STACK OF PAPERS. [laughter] THAT’S NOT A TRUE STORY. AND NOW WE MOUNT TELEVISIONS
ON THE WALL AND PEOPLE PUT FRAMES
AROUND THEM AND THEY HANG ‘EM LIKE ARTWORK,
AND THEY JUST KIND OF– SO YOU DON’T NOTICE IT. LIKE, THAT’S A MONET.
THAT’S A RENOIR. THAT’S A SITUATION.
THAT’S… AND NOT ONLY ARE THEY THINNER,
THEY’RE DISGUISING THEM NOW. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE SEEN
THE FANCY TVs. THEY HAVE TVs THAT LOOK LIKE
MIRRORS WHEN THEY’RE TURNED OFF. THEY’RE JUST A MIRROR. AND IT’S CONFUSING TO SOMEONE
LIKE ME WHO’S ON TV, BECAUSE… I PASS–I LOOK AT MYSELF,
AND I’M LIKE, “OH, MY HAIR IS HORRIBLE
ON THAT SHOW.” OH, THAT’S ME RIGHT NOW.
IT’S NOT ON. I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF TV
YOU’RE WATCHING ME ON RIGHT NOW. IF IT’S ONE OF THOSE HD ONES
THAT– YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT MY FACE
THAN I DO RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS
THE OTHER DAY, AND I GOT WORRIED ‘CAUSE I SAW
BRIAN WILLIAMS HAD A MOLE THAT I THOUGHT HE SHOULD GET
CHECKED OUT. [laughter] I DON’T LIKE THESE HDTVs. I DON’T LIKE WHAT WE LOOK LIKE. I’M HAPPY
THEY’RE CONSTANTLY CHANGING AND IMPROVING TVs, THOUGH, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, AS YOU KNOW,
TV IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WHOLE, WIDE WORLD. [cheers and applause] WELL, IT’S MORE IMPORTANT
THAN READING AND LESS IMPORTANT THAN MONEY. IT’S RIGHT THERE.
IT’S IN THERE. I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
HOW TELEVISION WORKS. ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU CLAP
YOUR HAND, YOUR TV GOES ON,
AND YOU CAN SEE ME DANCE.

41 comments on “Memorable Monologue: Advancements in Television

  1. Did she say "I saw Brian Williams had a moll" ?? I'm from Italy, I didn't quite catch that sentence 🙂

  2. Please help make my dream come true and send me to Silverstone!! All I ask you to do is click on the link and then press vote, it is super easy to do and it only takes two seconds for you to give me a memory that last's a lifetime. This is no scam and it would mean the world to me if you could help me out. Please thumbs up this post so more people will see it and help out, every vote counts!! Thanks for reading this -Fraser

    Link to vote: http://50.silverstone.co.uk/post/43931/

  3. please lets vote for Ellen to have Lucy Lawless on her show (aka xena the warrior princess) such an amazing woman!!

  4. inspired deeply from you ellen… probably not gonna help as much people as you could, but you definitely inspired us all to help people as much as we can. love ya and keep on doing this, dont know what will be without you =)

  5. OMG that's what my grandparents did.  Except my grandfather took the tube out of the bottom one… you know the one that was a stand … and he created a scene with trees, dear and all kinds of figurines.  It was cool.

  6. I love The Ellen Show please get back to me about the celebs on your show like were they embarrassing.(speaking of which, are you Ellen, or a copier?)

  7. Darn Australia, why can't we have an Ellen lol she would literally boost everyone's morale with her giveaways lol

  8. Ellen, I've been watching your show since day one, and never once have you disappointed me.  You are the most talented, funny and caring person I know.
    Thank you for all your hard work and dedication.

  9. She said: "TV is the most important thing in the whole wide world". Sadly, I'm a student living in a renting room in which there is no TV. I'm watching this show via my laptop lol

  10. I need to do my homeworks now and somehow I know that if I start a video of Ellen I wouldn't stop until at least three hours from now, well I'm screwed

  11. i'm from macedonia and i can't watch you so i'm watching you on my phone every single day and i'm always smiling

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